Lessons on Love
What I've learned from past relationships and how they've helped me to love myself, and my husband, better.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! While it’s easy to get caught up in the flowers, chocolates, and grand gestures, there’s no better time to show love to the most important person in your life: you. Love isn’t just about romance; it’s about growth, resilience, and the lessons we carry with us. So this Valentine’s Day, instead of just celebrating the love you have or the love you’re still searching for, take a moment to honor the love that has shaped you, the heartbreaks, the hard truths, and the wisdom that came from it all.
For most of my life, I’ve been what some would call a ‘serial monogamist.’ In second grade, I was already passing notes to playground cuties, asking them to be my boyfriend. Now, at 31, with a year of marriage to the most amazing man in the world, I often think about how wild it is that I endured so many terrible relationships - ones that, at the time, felt inescapable. I used to wonder if I’d ever find the right person. And yet, here I am, proof that even the messiest love stories can mold you into a loving partner.
Looking back, I can see how each relationship, no matter how frustrating, heartbreaking, or downright chaotic, has taught me something. Some lessons were subtle and others hit me like a freight train, forcing me to confront hard truths about boundaries, self-worth, and what I would no longer tolerate. At the time, I didn’t see the purpose in the pain, but now, I understand that every misstep has left behind a lesson, and all of those lessons have shaped the way I understand and show love today.
When someone shows you who they really are, even if it is early in the relationship, that is who they are at their core. If you don’t like what they show you, get the hell out of dodge.
I used to make excuses for people, convincing myself that the unsettling behavior was just a ‘one-time thing.’ But the truth is, the first red flag is never really the last. It’s just the first one you choose to notice. My first notion of this was in eighth grade when my boyfriend made fun of the way I looked when I got my braces off. Instead of realizing that someone who truly liked me wouldn’t tear me down, I laughed it off, thinking he didn’t really mean it. That pattern followed me into later relationships, where I ignored the early signs of control, manipulation, and outright disrespect. Now, I know better. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Because love doesn’t start with belittling, controlling, or dimming your light. It starts with respect.
Love takes effort, but it shouldn’t be a constant source of pain. If you’re crying more than you’re smiling, it’s not love, it’s a warning sign.
I used to believe that love meant holding on through the hard times, no matter how much they hurt. I convinced myself that every relationship had rough patches, that pain was just part of the deal. So I stayed, through the nights I cried myself to sleep, through the bruises that faded on my skin but not in my mind. I told myself leaving would be worse, that loneliness was scarier than a love that hurt. There’s a difference between working through challenges and slowly losing yourself. Real love doesn’t break you down, make you beg for basic kindness, or leave you running on empty. If the pain outweighs the joy, it’s not love, it’s a lesson. And sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away.
Your partner should exponentially add to your quality of life.
My grandma has said this to me for as long as I can remember, and for years, I didn’t fully grasp its weight. Real love doesn’t deplete you, it expands you. And hot take: this also means financially. If someone’s presence in your life isn’t making it better in tangible, meaningful ways, then what’s the point? Stop footing the bill for someone who wouldn’t do the same. Stop pouring love into a person who only takes. Stop fantasizing about what it would feel like to be with someone who adds to your life when you know, deep down, that this isn’t it. My marriage betters me as a person in so many ways; it makes my life richer in ways I never imagined. He challenges me, supports me, and adds joy, adventure, and an insane amount of laughter to my every day. With him, I’m not just maintaining a relationship, I’m growing within it. And this is why I chose him to be my husband, and none of the others made the cut.
Passion fades, but true companionship lasts. The best love nurtures both.
There’s something intoxicating about the kind of love that consumes you. The late-night conversations that stretch until sunrise, the feeling that you’ve found something so rare, so intense, that nothing else matters. It’s easy to believe that passion alone can sustain a relationship, but the truth is, fire without foundation eventually burns out. Love isn’t just about desire; it’s about partnership. It’s about having someone who truly sees you, who holds your hand through the mundane and the messy, who makes even the most ordinary days feel meaningful. That being said, let’s not pretend physical love doesn’t matter. The strongest relationships keep the spark alive, not because it’s all that holds them together, but because it’s an extension of the deep connection they’ve built. Love thrives in the balance, where passion and companionship exist hand in hand, making life both exciting and deeply fulfilling.
Love does not equal dependence. Creating time for yourself and thriving in your individuality ultimately makes you a better partner.
I’ve always equated being in love to being inseparable, meshing into one identity. In reality, losing myself in someone else never made the relationship better, it just made me smaller. Real love doesn’t mean merging into one person; it means standing strong as individuals while choosing to share a life. My marriage has taught me the beauty of having my own passions, my own hobbies, and my own space. We don’t have to do everything together to be deeply connected. In fact, the time we spend apart makes the time we spend together even better. Love isn’t about losing yourself in another person, it’s about having the freedom to be fully yourself and knowing they’ll love you even more for it.
Real love doesn’t demand that you shrink or suffer, and it doesn’t force you to silence your needs. It challenges you, expands you, and makes your life better in ways you never expected. But getting to that kind of love requires reflection on where you’ve been, what you’ve tolerated, and what you truly deserve. Every failed relationship is a learning opportunity, a mirror that shows you what you want, what you don’t, and where you might need to grow. The patterns we repeat, the red flags we ignore, the sacrifices we make that go unnoticed - each one is a lesson if we’re willing to pay attention.
And that reflection doesn’t stop once you find the right person. Love is an ongoing choice, one that requires checking in with yourself and making sure that your relationship still aligns with who you are and who you’re becoming. The right person won’t hold you back or make you question your worth; they’ll encourage you to evolve. And when you find a love that adds, not subtracts, that grows, not confines, you’ll understand why nothing before it ever worked out. For that kind of love, the kind that meets you where you are and pushes you to where you’re meant to be, I am endlessly grateful.